You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
