She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
