The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
