Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
