maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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