I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
