Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
