I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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