alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
