I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
