he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
