From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
