The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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