I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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