you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
