I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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