the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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