So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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