I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
