watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
