Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
