I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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