when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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