i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
