well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize