I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
