sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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