You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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