This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
