then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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