So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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