I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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