Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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