i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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