STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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