i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
