everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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