guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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