I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
