how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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