just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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