Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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