there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
