He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All I want is dick and wine.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
