watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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