My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
