I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
