BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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