A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We have so much sex to catch up on
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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