Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
