did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
