You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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