hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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