Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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