I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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