I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
