i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
